The ridiculousness of it all.

I'm here. But so are you. So, why are we here?  Or should I ask; what are we here to do? I fear I might be turning in to a Philosopher; consumed with thought manifested from something that I could be completely aware of, but also completely oblivious to. I've been thinking a lot about simple fact of my existance, because it should be simple. It is, but it isn't at the same time. I'm a serious pot-head, and I know that, %100. I live in a home where it's accepted to smoke that. Now, is that a good thing? Or is it a bad thing? It is a good thing, because it's always wonderful to have your parents have something like that in common with you. In saying that, I'm starting to find it a little surreal to have something like THAT in common with your parents. I feel I've lived a far too sheltered life thus far in my journey. You see, I have this friend, and he'll remain nameless. It's very accurate to say that he's my mentor, and my best friend. I envy this person. A lot. Firstly, because he's my friend, and that's the most important thing. Secondly, he's been around the block a few times. Very big, far away blocks. I'm not going to tell you his life story, because that's his tale to sing; but he has this certain flair of reluctant independence that I see in his eyes, all of the time. I don't want to say I want that, because I don't know if I do. Although, I always know that if I do ever feel like pursuing my 'want' or 'need' for independence, that I'll always have a home base to come back to. Wow, that kind of defeats the entire purpose, doesn't it, lol. I spent an hour, last night, sitting on my basement kitchen counter, staring at a speck on the wall. Maybe that speck meant something important. It probably didn't. But, I never do that. My thinking like this could very well be a result of many things. I'm painfully aware that loneliness is playing in major role in affecting my mood. Lately especially. Fear is my demon for the time being. Fear of growing up. Fear of the thing I might want; independence. I feel like a god damned worm right now. About to cry at my cubicle. The only things that are making me happy right now is my music, and coffee. I don't even drink coffee, and it's providing me with some sort of mysterious solace. Ahh, that was a refreshing smoke. Oh yeah, and cigarettes. I'm supposed to quit by new years, but I hardly think that's possible now. Call me a quitter at quitting, heh. It's surprising how much blogging actually helps your brain. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised, because maybe that's what it's supposed to do. I need something to distract my brain. The smoke isn't doing it for me as much anymore. I think it's actually making things a lot worse. I should at LEAST stop that in the new year. At least for a little while, lol. I need this, and I need that...so why don't I just fucking grasp them...

The ridiculousness of it all...

Alex.

Heh...

Don't even know why I'm writing this, because no one will probably read it. Whatever. I'm starting to learn a few tough lessons in life. One being, that you can't ever get to comfortable. What you think you have can just vanish right before your very eyes. Some cases it's necessary. I'm trying to program my brain to think that my last day on earth is tomorrow. Seems easy, but when your entire life was lived thinking that things matter, not so easy. It's like trying to get clockwork go in reverse. Things are going to break, but destruction is a form of creation, I suppose. Music is the only thing that I can really truly depend on in life, because it's what I make of it. I've recently acquired a taste for the blues; Buddy Guy being the one who invited me into it's warm, soulful embrace. It speaks to me in a way that's so enticing, but difficult to understand, much like everything else, haha. Being confined in this suffocating, beige cubicle isn't helping ANYTHING, but I'll just have to live with that aspect. I need to learn how to care about myself more than I care about others, which is a HUGE change. If you're my friend, I'll pour my heart out for you, and leave nothing left for me...well, I started writing this in the morning, and now it's the afternoon, and my mood has kind of changed. I feel a little better. Things will soon fall into place, I hope.

Alex.

Yes...see you later...

I'm writing this far too late...too much time to think about this all...but I digress. I sit here, in my new cubicle for today, still thinking about how much of an asshole I think I am.  I hate doing things that might hurt someone else...which is all I think I did to someone so awesome. I feel so cruel...but I know with my brain that I made the right choice...as much as my heart disagrees with me.  I realize now, that what I was doing to both of us was far worse that what I've done...our priorities were all mixed up... I'm really sorry for letting my heart do most of the thinking... While it's much to early for you, it's been far too long for me... I wanted someone. Someone special. But that wasn't meant to be you... You've always said since we met, which feels like eons ago, that I've saved your life. That statement is always repeating itself in my head, lately, constantly reminding me that even though I cut you off like a complete asshole...I can still take some solace in knowing that I've helped you, even it was just a smidgen. The fact that you did bad stuff made me want to be with you even more, so that I could be there if something ever went wrong...I have such a big heart, but it feels so small. I miss you already. However, continuing to continue the awesome friendship we had would just make me not want to see anyone else, which was where my train of behaviour was on it's way to.  I have to make a note to myself that I'm still just a boy, and I have a LOT more shit to experience in life. This is just the beginning for me. For us, actually. Our lives are just starting to flourish in this crazy world; I've got my new, boring office job, and you've got 2 beautiful children that need your focus. We both have so much potential in us, we're both intelligent people, and we both have big hearts, haha... My stomach is hurting just typing about everything, but I think it's necessary... It was an amazing honour to meet you, and to find someone as awesome as you. Perhaps too awesome.  Showing up at your door that night, dressed like I was, only to end it all in the morning was a big FT, and I apologize for that... You are always awesome, and forever will be. Maybe one day I can be awesome enough to see the light and know my priorities...but until then, see you 'round, you spiral eyed, Tiny Dancer.